It matters.

Life after heart ache is hard. Whether that be the end of a relationship, death, of what ever it may be. Going back to 'normal' life after something has hurt you can feel impossible. I promise you though, it is do-able. 

I was certain I would never feel for another man the way I did my most recent ex. That man and I had been through hell and back together more times than I can count. I assumed that meant he was the one. ( Of course, that was with me ignoring all the red flags. The emotional attachment to his ex, the way his soul left his body when he was angry, the way he talked to me like I meant less to him than even his worse enemy). That was love, and I would never find anything like it. -- Don't worry , I promise this will all tie together, trust the process --

I've come to realize that was more of a trauma bond than anything - we lost 3 babies together, he was the one who answered the phone call about my father committing suicide, he was there when we found my best friend over dosed in her apartment. He had been by my side through the most traumatic events in my life. *kinda* See, he wasn't actually there, not in the ways I would've needed him to be. 

The first pregnancy we lost was when we were 13weeks along. I woke up bleeding a massive amount, like enough that I eventually needed to get blood transfusions. We were arguing the night before so he was asleep in a different room. I went to go wake him up, and he seemed a little concerned. But not enough to take me to the hospital himself - he had my cousin drive out and pick me up. I spent the next four days in the hospital bed in pain, heart broken, and scared. He did not come up one single time. It took me texting him like a crazy person to even get him to text me back. I was losing our child, alone. And he never could understand what was so wrong with that. But he was there when it happened. That mattered. 

When my father died he was the one to wake up and answer the phone. He didn't ask what the call was about, just woke me up and said handed it over. Once I was able to spit out through the sobbing what had happened, his only response was ' oh no." Then back to sleep he went. I wanted - no, needed - to go down to my moms house, to be with her and my family. He told me he would take me, but only after he ran all his errands for the day of course. We finally get down to her late that next night and he goes straight to bed. Wakes up the next morning around 6am and said he can't stay, he has to get to work. Then leaves me there without any way of getting home. But he answered the call.  That mattered.

When I found out my bestfriend had died, I somehow managed to work through the rest of my shift at work. I broke down in our employee office for awhile, then told myself she wouldn't want me to be a little bitch. And so I got back out there. After work was finally done I took the time I needed to process properly. After all, I had to call this girls mother and older brother and break the news to them. I had to worry about what was going to happen to her children. I went to meet her brother at her apartment to talk about what was going to happen moving forward. My ex questioned why I was gone so long. Told me to quit being a cry baby. Said I was probably out sleeping with someone , not mourning my friend. I bawled for days, and he just sat there on the bed watching his phone not saying a word. But he was there next to me. That mattered.

In all of these situations I struggled to find my new 'normal.' How was I supposed to continue even existing when my heart had been through so much? All in the span of 14 months. And at only 22 years old. My poor soul.

How was I supposed to be okay knowing I would never hold any of my babies. How was I supposed to be okay knowing the last chance I had to hang out with my dad, I skipped? How was I supposed to be okay never being able to call my bestfriend when I needed her? I had no clue how to do any of this. I felt like the only consistency I had in my life was him. And he was 'there' for each of those situations. That became my reasoning. He's been there for me. 

Once I decided enough was enough I was lost. Yeah I left, but it hurt to go. The one consistent thing in my life now was no longer. I had to find a completely new normal. And I was convinced that wouldn't happen. That I wouldn't ever feel again. That it was even worth my efforts to try. 

I am so glad I was wrong.

My new normal is smiling 24/7. It is laughter, and a man who is gentle and sweet. A man who LISTENS to my feelings and actually soaks them in. I didn't even know they were capable of that. 

Awhile back I had an episode where I dissociated for too long, and threw my self into a panic attack. Later that night I mentioned - only kind of joking - to my new 'guy' that I wasn't wearing the hoops I always wear because I had lost them. I probably didn't recognize myself and that's what caused the dissociation and so forth. Today has been a rough one for me, no reason for it. It just happens. While cleaning up my room we finally found my hoops, he smirked and handed them to me. A little while later, when he could sense I was feeling down, he looked at me and said " why don't you send me a snapchat of you." I was confused at first, until he explained. He wanted me to open my camera and actually see that my hoops are in. He thought maybe that would help ground me, per our conversation that day.

like, WHAT?!?! 

Not only did he listen that day, he held on to that information. He actually paid attention. Some may not see how big that is - but it matters.

Just knowing that I have someone who genuinely cares and listens and tries to understand is so uncomprehensive to me. It truly is the little things in life. This was just one example of the many ways he has made me feel more worthy of love and life. I am so beyond grateful for this man.

And to think. In the beginning I was scared of what my new normal would be. How sad would the alternative world have been where I didn't even try to figure out how to keep going? Me without him? Unimaginable. 

Life after heartache is hard, but I promise it is do-able. You just have to get up and do it. You will thank yourself later. 

Stay Radical, Darling.